If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
