I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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