Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
