Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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