the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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