Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
