My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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