Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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