last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
