I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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