I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
