Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
