Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
