Cold hands, warm shart.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
