so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
