Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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