Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
