haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
