There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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