worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
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Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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