I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
