i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
