I just saw a hot homeless man
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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