a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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