He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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