sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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