The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
