Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
