Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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