FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
