ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
