Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
wakey wakey hands off snakey
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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