I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
