I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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