Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
