Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
