a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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