I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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