he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
