I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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