I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
