turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
