So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
