She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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