nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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