somebody snuck up and got me drunk
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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