I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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