dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
