So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
