My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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