I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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