mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
