I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
