Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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