i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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