im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
