I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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