Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
