My hand turned me down
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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